That's what I'm burnin my soul with ;-)

The bad thing about beeing on call is not so much the lost time on weekends or the amount of work. The worst thing is that one is left alone with his thoughts.
Exposed to one's thoughts.
I am really ill these days.
I have my nose running all day, fever and headache, should be at home lying in bed.
Instead I'm here. It's the second time this year, that I got ill, normally it's only once per year.
Should have worked less; I was afraid if I took holidays that I might get ill. Now I'm ill working, that ain't bad too, now I can take holidays ;-)
I've bought myself a new computer, finally after 5 years surviving with my old turtle.

Winter is coming and I'm afraid to gain weight again. I was slimming so easily this summer. Instead of eating I was just smoking and drinking ice tea.

Since last year when my mother started eating raw/uncooked food and went down from 80 to now 58kg at 160cm height in few months I'm unsure what to eat.
I never eat very healthy food - mostly due to my habits: not havin breakfast in the morning but buying some cookies and cofe at the gas station. In the afternoons maybe buying some things at the baker. Despite this lifestyle from time to time at least I managed to prepare myself a greek salad with onion, tomatos, olive oil and feta.

But now since my mother changed my view on civilization food, I am really trapped.
I know - what I eat is not healthy but at the same time I cannot change to raw food.

I remember it was just last summer when I started lovin to cook. It was again a lonely summer, like my summers usually are.
I was breaking up with Susanne my former girlfriend - or better:I made her brake up with me cause I did not feel love and there was neither physical attraction left.
I dreamed of that Ecuadorian girl I met 2 years ago.
In that summer thus I was lonely, just let down by her and studying for my state exam that was to follow in September.
Everyday at 6pm when I came back from the biblotheque I started cooking.
There were only small and simple things I tried. I don't believe in using thousands of exotic spices in one food like germans do. I believe the most tasty things are made with few basic ingredients.
I used rice (well, sometimes curry), butter, tomato juice, feta, carrots;sometimes corn gries instead of rice.

Every evening I changed a bit the ingredients and the way to prepare the food.
It was really cool, I cooked for my appartment mates without eating myself too much.

Cooking was simply a relaxation.

But now - trapped in this food ideology - I don't know what to eat.

I must tell one thing.
My mother lost this weight without becoming anorectic and without suffering from cancer.
Several other things changed, she could concentrate better on work - while eating maybe only two pieces of fruit a day. Her body did not smell that intensive - in the sense that she can use a pair of socks for more than a week without having them smell.
Hell I checked it out myself !
Her instincts rose.

But I myself did not manage to do this all. I tried it out some days, and the food is good, but gettin away from 'civilization food' is as hard as quitting smoking. Because when you're with some friends you have to join them.

On the other hand I don't like cooking only for myself. And buying a piece of bread for myself is sensless because it will get hard until the end of the week.
In consequence I live like a parasite towards my mate (thomas) - eating his bread and sometimes also drinking his damn ice tea ;-)

When I try to remember the last time when I was eating conveniently and cooking with passion - I must go back to december last year.

In late october after havin finished my medicine studies I wanted to fulfill myself one dream. I wanted to meat the girl from Ecuador again. I hadn't seen her for 2 years. In 1999 had left her knowing that we would not see each other again.
But in summer 2001 we talked on the phone like we did almost every 4 months. She said she wanted to come to Spain, especially Mallorca to work there. She heard that working opportunities were good there.
Her younger brother and her older sister had gone there one or two years before.

She must have been the reason why I also left Rumjiana the girl before Susanne.

Well back to the food.
Finally I met her in Mallorca and we were living at her brothers and sisters appartment. The sister went back to Ecuador Daisy arrived. So she let her a bag of her own clothes in Mallorca to use them when it would get cold outside.

I was in the kitchen cooking, trying to make some food out of the rests I found in the fridge and the kitchen.
For half an hour maybe I was alone in kitchen, cooking, when she entered and had that dress on.
Her hair wass pulled up with a needle.
The dress - you probably could have made fun of it and said it looked like a curtain.
But I had never seen her like that before, I was just paralized.
She looked at me like asking why I was looing at her.
I just could not tell what happened to me, but from a cool street girl she had converted into the still sexy look of a house wife.
I must have had a short movie in my head where I saw myself having children with her and spending my life with her.

(But finally as we know things came different.)

Anyway - it was the last time I remember having enjoyed to cook, I was very inspired at that time.

Then, later - the moments in that 3 months in germany with her were beautiful and ugly together.
I wanted to see if I could lead an normal life with her in Europe.
But we failed.

That's my story of cooking.